Life is hard, silence is hard, waiting is harder, God is still on the throne, and a word on friendship

I tell myself I will have more time when __________.

Then I get sick again, and again, and again (mending, better, but not well).

Of course, if my laptop worked properly that would help.  Blogging from a fakey tablet keyboard is insanity as I can type about 60 WPM.

So much is swirling these days…

I got Annie’s due date wrong, clearly, so waiting for her pups.

Don’t even get me started on the roaches.

Up half the night every night from being sick.

Appointments…here, there, everywhere, but nowhere close.

Public transit here, there, everywhere else.

Kiddos…life with kiddos…staying out of the middle of little kid drama when someone is having a bad day.

Thinking…dreaming..writing…but not blogging.  There are some pieces of a person’s soul fit for the view of God and dearest friends only.  What comes down through the blog is the stuff distilled through God, friends, and prayer…nothing raw, nothing too personal.  I find it funny sometimes that people think I’m too free or too open.  I think those who have known me longest know I measure things out carefully, and rarely tell all.

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There have been some dark days lately, but there haven’t been a lot of conversations.  Conversations are what always make me think…and write.  Conversations, questions…maybe I’ll find something this week?  I’ve got a few things I poke at, half-written.  There aren’t enough people in my day-to-day life, few deep and meaningful conversations.  I wonder when the last time was that you — whoever you are — took very real time to take things beyond a mere “How are you?”/”Fine.” level.  A person can die of loneliness for being “How are you?”/”Fine.”  People won’t give you an answer they know you won’t take time to hear.

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Take the time to listen and to care.  Take the time to really be a friend — it really doesn’t take much.  Taking time to love is always time  worth taking.  I have a lot of friends who don’t have time to be my friends.  They love me, I love them…but even though I know it’s not the message they wish to send at all, the one that gets handed down by default in many cases is: “You are not worth my time.”  We are Americans, we keep ourselves irrationally and pointlessly busy.  I undertand this, I live here too, I see it all.  Still…I’ve worked with enough people at the end of their lives to know that no one regrets not being fully caught up on TV programs.  Life in this world is short, fleeting, precious, uncertain — life and time are a precious gift, don’t waste them.  Be intentional in your friendships.  Pick up the phone, send an e-mail, even just send a text.  If you’re thinking about someone pray for them and then send even a brief word.  If you’re “on my list” you know about this.  People notice when you truly care, and love and care are lethal to loneliness.

And yet probably no conversations today.  Today?  Taxes need to get finished.

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Hugs with the Skeffy Favorite 29 May 2011

But all in the back of my mind are thoughts of this little guy — Mr. Skeffington (“The Favorite”®) — quietly slipping from life, alone.  He’s about 6¼ years old, a real sweetheart, and a funny little guy.  He belongs to my sister, but lived with me for over a year.  I love him dearly, and yet soon he and his funny little voice and funny little face will be gone.

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Mr. Skeffington, July 4th weekend 2009

This is the sad part.

It is expected, but it doesn’t make it easier.  It does suck a lot of joy out of waiting for Annie’s pups though.

Sad day…hard week…but God is still on the throne.

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4 thoughts on “Life is hard, silence is hard, waiting is harder, God is still on the throne, and a word on friendship

  1. Thank you for sharing from the soul out, I have been able to take in several of your posts. I pray that your sickness eases soon and this must be very trying. You mentioned in an earlier one that it is hard to feel left behind. May He douse you in the comfort that your staring point is fresh every day as the race is sometimes run in the dark and backward places. Hopefully this season will pass soon and land you in richer, healthier days. I loved your poppy story. He is sprinkling seeds to carpet newness and hope for you, even as we speak. As you said, it takes time. Blessings to you…

    • Infectious sickness of the body can be flushed out, coughed out, blown out, medicated out, disinfected. Sickness of the soul — despair, lonliness, discouragement, hopelessness — is harder to irradicate.

      I have lost almost — but not all — connections to what was good, meaningful, purposeful, and forward-moving in my life. I at least yet live, and I know I am loved by many, but there is no “easy” road to anywhere from here.

      I am sitting on deferred acceptance to one of the best universities on the West Coast…but am stuck in this perpetual limbo of “accepted but can’t go” until I fix a credit technicality, which could take years. It’s a nightmare to know exactly where you are supposed to be, know that where God wants you to be is that same place where you want to be (as he was the one who opened the impossible doors), but to be totally stuck unless some unexpected grace comes in the form of a cosigner or many more years pass.

      Time it does take, but I’ve been waiting over half my life already…ready, waiting, ready…and stuck.

      Then the accident and the illness on top of illness on top of illness — a girl can only take so much with a happy and cheerful heart. This has been a very hard year.

      Blessings to you, and bless you snd thank you for your kind words.

  2. Pingback: Remembrances | St. Val the Eccentric

  3. Pingback: Remembrances | St. Val the Urban Monastic

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