Thus far it has been the most beautiful birthday weekend since 2001.
Today — the morning with my church family.
I will write more later. For reasons that have nothing to do with festivities, I haven’t slept well in days; presently I’ve been up for hours after…maybe…five hours sleep (after a day of walking about L.A.. with friends — NOT adequate for my day!!!). It occurs to me that I would live as a servant for the rest of my life if only I could have a truly safe place to rest each night where I could sleep in total and absolute peace, a place where I could attain true and real rest.
I haven’t slept in complete and total peace since 2002.
That’s a definitive part of hell I think — no rest. The fact that I haven’t slept in eleven years both with peace and without the occasional Benadryl for help is truly maddening.
It has been a beautiful weekend full of so much love and delight and celebrating life. Still no baby guinea pigs to celebrate with, but I pray that all goes well and that Annie delivers safely and soon.
But even amid so much love and so much joy and so many blessings, the dark reality that we live in a very darkly broken world looms large in so many ways. I see it well, but would go completely insane to focus or dwell on it. And I really do mean that: completely insane. I am, however, sane as sane can be to know NOT to focus on such things. Still…scary stuff.
Part of what has kept me up this night is a very brief note from a very dear friend who is probably very much more ill than she would ever admit. It renews a question raised in my mind last fall when her collegues were piecing together a story that involved years of silence on the subject — will I ever see her again at all, in this life or the next? (there has long been a question mark on the last point)
Forever is not merely a very long time, forever is forever — it means “always” or “never,” but “eventually” and “hopefully” and “someday” are just not part of the “forever” equation.
Is a chronic and progressive illness more than that is my question (one of so many questions).
Storms loom in the distance.
I can feel the air changing, I can see the thunderheads building.
There is no peace in this.
Last night, before I went to bed I wrote:
“What I wish from life is not much, or shouldn’t be. I wish for peace and stability enough that there may be room and provision for me to continue to exist in the world while I remain in the world. I wish to love and serve God with everything I have while I am in the world. There may be a problem with this, and it is making me ill. May God’s favor and provision be with his humble servant, I have no answers.”
Because provision is the open question at this point.
I wrote more at-length to a few friends last night when I got home. The subject line of that e-mail was: “Wishing for the kind of faith that would make anxiety attacks impossible.”
So much looms and so much is wrong, even on this bright and beautiful weekend filled with joy. I am not focusing on the darkness, but neither am I ignoring it.
God help me, only he can fix this.
The intro to the backstory to Casting Crowns’ “Praise You In This Storm”:
The full song: